Bird sounds from a lyre bird // David Attenborough
Umm, they don't call you a gansta at all.
Ask me anything
October 2, 2011
June 17, 2011
June 10, 2011
Lillian is…
currently trying to piece back together her dignity after being denied in the louuuuuunge due to her status being notevenremotelyclose to Gold Elite. I am my father’s daughter, not that means diddlyswat here in Lahn-dohn!
June 10, 2011
Things That A Long-Haul Plane Ride Does To You
- Your hygiene is in shambles. Actually, it technically hasn’t even been a day since you last showered but you strangely feel absolutely filthy. They say that when you question your need to shower you probably should. I have not. Your teeth are in the latter stages of rotting and the fact that you’ve already brushed them twice doesn’t make a difference. Your feet seem to smell a little more than usual or normal.
- You ankles have gained 10 lbs. Each.
- Your dome is throbbing.
- You can’t get the smell of bathroom and airplane air out of your nares. Everything smells like a suction toilet. Even freshly baked muffins. Even rose petals. Not peppermint green tea though, that smells normal.
- You’re in a completely different country after flying in an elongated tin can for a bazillion hours. DAS EES COOL.
Almost half-way there!!! Only one more flight and one more continent to vertically descend before I will only go by Lill-CLICK-ian Par-CLICK-sons.
June 5, 2011
"As she learns to speak, I will mix up certain words to instill lifelong lexical confusion. I will use the word “stenographer” for the word “circle”. I will use the word, “potato” for the word, “bed”. I will use the word “vagina” for the word, “the”. …. Whenever she wins a game or answers a question correctly, I will react as if she’s failed miserably, and whenever she loses, I will react like she’s won. Then when she’s gotten used to that, I’ll reverse it."
— Brad Pike // “Important Parenting Tips”
May 17, 2011
10 Things To Do When Your Flight Is Delayed
1) Try and watch 90210 (the new version) on the incredibly slow internet connection. Don’t mind if you only see 5 second clips and then have to wait another 6 minutes before you see the next 5 seconds. It passes the time.
2) Look for something to eat. Find nothing. Then remark at how many different nut mix varieties there are and regret not picking up some soosh mcgoosh or yogen fruz before security.
3) Pretend to look at the intelligent magazine covers (a la Economist) while really giggling to yourself at Christie Alley’s face without make-up.
4) Try and people watch and realize that people are watching you too. Creepy-pants.
5) Contemplate going to the Palomino by Milestones bar. Wonder why its Palomino. What is that….spanish? Latin? Weird. MILESTONES. Realize its all men who are flying WestJet so there are no billionaires/world savers in disguise anyways. Stay sitting on the bench wishing you were outside on a patio sipping Pimms like a lady.
6) Walk up and down contemplating the plethora of carpet patterns that YVR has chosen. Swear to yourself that you will never hire the same interior designer.
7) Drink tea.
8) Go pee.
9) Take really awkward and uncomfortable pictures of yourself comme ca:
That’s so weird, my mouth is so teensy tiny! Could you imagine if it were fo’ realsies that small? I’d have no choice but to eat blueberries and cookies crumbs all day err’ day!
Look! I’ve got cat eye glasses. So fly it hurts.
This is what my mom looks like when she’s telling me to vacuum my room! KIDDING. Seriously mom, just kidding. This is what I might look like if my eyes were 5 times bigger, my glasses were the same size, and I was conditioning my neck to support several more chins.
10) Repeat.
May 16, 2011
Just ordered a pair of these. Gonna wear them to the bar. Wish me luck!
May 13, 2011
If this were my dog then…
I would name him Donahue the Dark Warrior.
I would give it all sorts of hair styles — but mostly a lion’s mane!
I would allow him to dress up as Princess Donahue one day a month. On that special day I would braid sparkling beads and ribbons into his hair.
I would bring him to the bar, and then to the dance floor. I would teach him the Lady Gaga paw dance and we would be the star attraction wherever we go.
I would only have hardwood floors in my abode, attach Swiffer wipes to the underbelly of Donahue, and tempt him with doggie biscuits, with the intention of getting him to clean my house.
I would love him forever and ever and ever. As long as his hair doesn’t smell feral.
May 11, 2011
Things that are NOT cool when you’re sitting at the coffee shop trying to be cool.
- Hipsters: talking about the existential being of coffee beans and fair trade organic caterpillars is lamebutt. Why are you wearing such ratty shoes? Perhaps you should get in on that TOMS fiasco….by that I mean perhaps you should get your sugar momma to buy a pair so you can get a pair free. And whats with your insanely skinny jeans??? Are you ever going to want to have offspring?? Just kidding. I’m just venting my anger that Jessica Alba, while with child, can still rock skinny jeans while parachute pants of the raver nature are my destiny.
- Angry man on the computer: why must you push down on your keys so hard? What did they ever do to you? If you’re angry, and need to express said emotions, perhaps you should utilize the excellent range of font and font sizes. And, if need be, CAPS LOCK THAT SHIT.
- “Friends” catching up: we all know that real friends don’t catch up at the coffee shop. Save us all the pain, and keep that ‘ship (as in the unsinkable friendSHIP) limited to the Facebook.
- The Skyper: I get it, I really do. Sometimes, when I’m in a far away land, I find myself in a coffee shop using their WeeFee (aka WiFi) to communicate with mis amigos and familiania back at home. But you know what I use? EARPHONES. Read ‘em and weep ‘em buddy. These instruments were invented millenniums ago to mitigate pissing everybody off. When you speak and are spoken to on your computer speakers you are re-creating the ghetto blaster a la 1992. Regulate yourself and plug that cord in.
- The Creeper: They’re everywhere, so why not here? That’s fine. But why can’t you shower? Use the washroom. Freshen up a bit? No? Okay then, just stare. That’s totally cool too.
May 10, 2011
May 6, 2011
Sometimes in the Mooooey Thigh, people take themselves really seriously. I, do not. Case and point. We wanted some intense “fight photos” and these are the results.
Mortal combat ain’t got nothin’ on me.
April 20, 2011
April 5, 2011
Not a Christmas List
A recent turn of events/every stroke of luck in my life has meant that I am to pack my bags once again and venture to SA. The age old question of my suitcase has already popped into my head prompting me to start a list of things to pack in ma valise:
- Khakis — of all shapes and sizes. Pockets? Yes! Zippers? Yes! Cuffed? Yes!
- A safari hat — an essential for everyday life
That is it. I told my parents that these are the two essentials and my dad looked at me and said, “What the f-bomb do you need a safari hat for?!?!” My response was, “Well Dad, I expect everyday to be an adventure. Just like a safari. So you can stick my safari hat in your crack pipe and smoke it.”
Just kidding. I didn’t say that. But my parents still think I’m wiggity whack as a drunk wallaby. Wrong animal. Shit! Walrus? No. What’s an African animal that starts with “W”? Now taking suggestions…for the animal and the list.
April 4, 2011
From here on out its { or bust!
| Me: | What's the plan avec toi et Dan?? |
| Jess: | He is cooking me dinner. At his place. |
| Jess: | :) :) :) |
| Me: | Aww you little lovebug you! |
| Jess: | [|:) Sorry I forgot my top hat |
| Me: | And beard? |
| Jess: | I forget how to make a beard. |
| Jess: | [|:{) mustache instead. |
| Me: | AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is the best thing of life!! |
| Jess: | You love me. |
| Me: | This is true :{D |
